Guilt

It amazes me the amount of guilt we put upon ourselves as mothers, parents, or just people.  I have constantly battled emotions within myself which can tear me down, and make me paralyzed in what I'm doing.  It's all those 'what if' or 'if only' statements.

IF ONLY I had taken better care of myself while pregnant!
IF ONLY I wasn't close to having gestational diabetes!
IF ONLY I hadn't given him that drop of milk when he was three months or so, and he hadn't had that allergic reaction!
WHAT IF I had noticed earlier that his babbling development wasn't progressing enough!
IF ONLY I had made him be better!
WHAT IF we had spent more time with him, loved him more, held him more!

The list is endless.

Should we have got him into intense therapy earlier?  Would it have helped or put too much pressure on him?
How affected was he by that illness he had at around two?  The one that I didn't notice until we needed to go to hospital?

Could I have done anything, been anything, be doing anything different, that would make my son not have autism?  How many things can I possibly feel guilty for?

In the end, these feelings of guilt, I have to shake them off.  NOTHING I do now can change what happened in the past.  I can only do the best with what I have, with who I am.  I don't know exactly why my son, or any child for that matter has autism.  There is no known cause, just as there is no real cure.  I shouldn't feel guilty for trusting my gut, and doing what I believe is best for my child.  No one knows my child better than me, and I am currently his advocate when dealing with the world.  Every parent wants to protect there child.  When your child is not quite the same as another, those feelings of protection seem to intensify.

I still battle with guilt, even if when I'm rational I realise its unjustified.  But I no longer let it paralyse me.  Journeying with autism has made me a stronger person.  Able to stand up and defend not only my son, but myself.  I wouldn't wish autism on anyone, but I wouldn't trade who I am today with who I was before I started this journey.